Puzzle-element

I haven't written in a while. I have a special blog on blogger that I use. But for some reason I felt like writing here. hmm....

Do you ever feel beyond happy one minute and utterly miserable the next? I sort of feel that way but I'm not sure why. I'm so much better than I was a few months ago crying and dragging myself around the house over a guy. A big, fat, loser guy to be exact. But now I'm back to my normal hyper self and I feel so happy sometimes. It's like I have happy fits and I'm just crazy like a pot of boiling happiness that spills over onto other people. But then sometimes I feel empty, like the pot has just disappeared. I begin to wonder if I'm alone. I know I'm not alone. There are people all around me, but I feel lonely like there is no one who will be mine. I feel like I'm entertainment for others to enjoy but at the end of the day, they have their lives together with someone who understands them and wants to stay with them forever, and I am just alone. It's strange that this particular thought always seems to occur when I'm feeling blue. And I know that someone might be mine, but for how long? People seem to change as often as the seasons do and want different things in their lives. In that case, is what I'm asking for too much? Is there no one whom can be my counterpart? No one whom wants the same things I want out of life? No one whom I can truly be myself around?

Hmm I start to wonder if I fill my life up with things that comfort me and make me feel ecstatic because I don't want to feel the scary pain of being lonely. Perhaps that is why I spend a lot of time watching dramas and childrens' shows and liking guys whom I'll never be able to attain. Perhaps it's why I want to learn so many things and go to other countries and why I enjoy being around little kids. Perhaps too it's why I try so hard to be friendly and not make anyone feel bad. But that never works. No matter how hard I try, it doesn't get me anywhere.

I used to have a few different visions of myself in the future. One was me as a tomb raider climbing mountains and shooting baddies on my quest to find some sort of ancient relic. One was me running barefoot through the forest like pocahontas, the nature all around me would be my home. One was me on a big dark stage singing like Sade, people crying from the emotion I put forth. One was me with a lot of townspeople resisting dictatorships and participating in guerilla warfare. A more recent one was me in a sexy black dress, undercover on some sort of secret mission. I'd go from a fancy restaraunt to a motorcycle and kick off my heels. But the one that I've been thinking about lately is more domestic. I'd be with my husband and we'd have a lot of money saved up for our children and grandchildren after working hard for some years. We'd support each other as much as we could and we'd make each other better in some way. We'd live a luxorious life style because I wouldn't have it any other way. We'd have businesses that would generate constant income. If he needed to move somewhere because of work, I'd ask "Is it hot or cold there?" and pack accordingly. During the day when he'd be at work, I'd spend time on myself: taking classes, working out, spending some time with friends, making the house feel warm and safe and of course prepare meals for when my hubby gets home. I guess I'd be the perfect little housewife. Prepare a bath for him, maybe even bathe him on a special day. Hmmm... I don't know which vision seems more realistic but at this rate the latter one won't be an option. But maybe it's ok. Maybe things should be this way. Just worry about me and fulfilling my own needs. I shouldn't crave taking care of anyone else I guess.

But I'm starting to think it'll be a good idea to be an au pair nanny after my service time. I would get to take care of children and play with them. I'd get to experience life in a new country as well and learn a new language. After that I'll think of something else to do.